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You know, most eleven year old girls played with barbies.. watched sponge bob, dragon tales, Rugrats, and Clifford the big red dog. Me ? I watched passions in the fourth grade Passions was a show on channel four, which was about families and drama. It was a soap show. Those drama filled episodes, about life.. but way more exaggerated. Well, my life was like a soap.. and I’m not just saying that. My few close friends in the past, have told me I’ve got the real deal here. So let me continue on, with my story. Yes. If you guessed that my mom is a lesbian, you’re correct. Now, she wasn’t always a lesbian. I still don’t quite have a good understanding of what my parent’s sexualities are.. but they were straight to my knowledge when they got married, and they had me. It wasn’t until my mom went to Vietnam, that I learned my mother may be a lesbian. Well, now I know that she is.. but when I was eleven. I didn’t know a thing. When we got back from Vietnam, things were getting rocky. My parent’s relationship started falling out. My mom paid no attention to me. She was always on the phone, talking to Mae. The other woman. Through weeks and weeks of arguing, fighting between my mother and my father. She left again, which was no longer than 6 months after we got back. She left to Vietnam, this was her second trip. I was barely entering the sixth grade. She wasn’t there for my first period. While my mom was over there in Vietnam. She never called. I was left here in the states, with no mother figure. Nobody, to teach me what I need to know about hormones and entering woman hood. I was disabled from learning what every other girl was learning. At first, I questioned my existence. How could she leave me ? What can a daughter do to get her mother to hate her so much ? What have I done ? I blamed myself. I didn’t understand. Was I such a bad child, that she had no other option but to leave ? For the longest time, I told myself that I was adopted. Because, being an adopted child.. gave my mom the benefit of the doubt. Maybe, she’s a decent person if I was just an adopted daughter. No blood relation, was why she could be so cold hearted to leave me so easily. Right ? I got used to having no mother figure around, and it took me awhile to realize. I had done nothing wrong. None of it, was ever my fault. I mean, really.. what possible thing can an eleven year old girl do to her mother, that would make her leave her just like that ? I have no idea, in mind. I started blaming myself. In the sixth grade, I had my fifth best friend. Her name was Andria. She introduced me to “cutting”. Yes, that cool thing to do back in sixth grade. It wasn’t cool at all.. but I was told, it would relieve my pain. It never did. It only gave me scars to remind me how stupid I was.

My answer:

keeep your head up love<3

I used to have an eating problem.  Back in the 7-9th grade. I was eating and throwing up. I kept it a secret, until I told my bestfriend. Who stopped me from hurting myself. I would eat, and purge.  I couldn’t keep it down. I felt disgusting & fat. I was constantly disgusted by what was looking back at me in the mirror. Anyone who knows me, knows my mother. My mother is big. So was my grandmother. I didn’t want to be like them, I was scared desperately to be like them. So I did what I thought was right for me. 
It’s not. It was scary. I got down to 80 lbs, and caused myself to stunt my growth.
      I’m unhappy with my past, and I don’t know why I’m typing it out now.. but I guess I want to remind myself. That I don’t ever want to go back to that again.
               I’ve been feeling like I should, but I fight the will too.
  I’m going to be okay. I always am.
     I just got to let this feeling pass. 

My uncle is on the run, because he is being sued for 2 million dollars.  He doesn’t have the money so he came to Vietnam. My mother was already here. They were running out of money, so they asked me to bring them some. 

       I came here not on a vacation, but for family reasons. I came to give my uncle and mother 5,000 each. Right when I got off the flight, they asked me for it. So I gave it to them. When I gave it to them, they were so nice.

       Only to find that, they never planned on me staying with them for the time I was here. They told me I have to leave, and find my own place to stay. So they basically kicked me out.  I came to my aunts, on my dad’s side of the family. They are letting me sleep in a room.          It hurt so much seeing that my OWN MOTHER, wouldn’t let me sleep on her floor for the time I was here. Not even after the money I gave her. So how am I supposed to feel ? Should I be mad ? But I’m not. Should I be sad ? I was a little.
                    It just sucks. Sucks to be treated this way. I don’t understand what I did wrong. I come because they needed me too. Now that it’s been a week I’ve been here.. they haven’t called me or seen me at least once since I gave them the money. Which was the first day I got here. It’s been a week. & no phone calls.
 I feel used .

 but it’s family. I should be alright ? I should forgive. & in that, I do.

                Again. It just sucks. Why does this life have to be mine ? Why do I get hurt over and over again over people ?              Everyone that has ever came my way, hurt me. 

& ME ? What have I ever done to them ? 
 nothing, I can think of. . but I must’ve.

I've went through for what I call a lot in my life. It may not be for you, but it was for me. For the thoughts, I'm afraid to let people know.. I write it here. You don't have to know, but it's here for you to know; Just in case you WANTED to know. These posts will be long, deep, & depressing.. continue on if you'd like to read about my life. The darker side of it.

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Status: Name: Leslie Sheh T.
Age: 18
Birthdate: September, 27th.
Status: Single
City: West Covina | MPK
Education: Class of 2011
Occupation: Making Paper

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